Dil Ki Baat!

It was the eve of friendship day this year when we six friends were in a conference call through the night (4 in India, 1 in UK and 1 in US). It was a wonderful experience which transcended us back to the college through the 5 years that have passed after we left it. We talked a lot of nonsense that made sense only to us and listened to a lot of music, but it's not what we did that night that I am going to talk about. The one topic we discussed at length was - marriage. We discussed it to the extent that one of us - already scouting for candidates - got bored and we had to switch to other things before finally settling on Music. Anyway, marriage is a topic that naturally comes up in almost all conversations we friends have these days. By India standards, we are all "eligible bachelors" and the wickets have just started to fall one after another. The year 2009 promises to be full of weddings and that means opportunities of reunions.

So, on the conference call that day I shared my plan on the same front - that to be committed by the end of next year. Now, does one share these things on a blog? I do. Does one approach this like a project in some corporate organization with firm deadlines? I do. Well, I do not see anything wrong in approaching it that way, particularly when I know what sort of a person I am looking for. To me, the biggest achievement of last five years has been that I have started understanding myself. Personally, I feel understanding how you are is a very difficult thing to do.

I remember reading an article in MaTa (Maharashtra Times), which discussed the things that go on in an Indian household with a girl or a boy eligible to be married off by Indian standards. It mentioned how the family, all sorts of relatives, neighbours, friends to the family and so on start pushing the boy or girl with questions on his or her plans to get married or to check out the prospective candidates they happen know. It then becomes a confusing situation for the boy or girl in question, who can't deny these people outright to avoid loss of goodwill and at the same time can't go ahead with the process as he or she is not sure of what to look for in a life partner. In this sort of a situation, sometimes he or she go ahead with the decision based on the judgement of others and then it becomes a case of chance. Some get lucky and all goes well, but some not so. In the case of the those who do not get lucky enough then, it is not one person to be blamed but the systemic flaw. Now, this is not a case against the system we call "arranged marriage". It can't be, as my parents' marriage of 36 years is a testimony to this very system. But yes, there is a systemic flaw which needs to be avoided carefully in this era of equal rights to boys and girls. I will again go back to the article, which went on to point at a very simple and realistic solution to avoid any adverse impact of the flaw noted on the most important relation a person chooses in life. It simply said that the person in question has to be allowed some space to think and be sure of himself or herself first. When one looks for compatibility, one has to be first assured of what's within him or her because then only can he or she be sure of what qualities the person to be looked for should possess. And this self assurance can not be associated with age, which we in India sometimes get obsessed with. It comes early in life for some and for some it comes a bit late, what's important is that each individual is allowed to determine the age for himself or herself.

That was a bit of digression, albeit required in the context, I feel. I mentioned a sort of deadline I have set for myself. Well, I have taken the first step towards it. Again, does one share these things on a blog? I do. I have popped the question to a girl, who has been my friend for some time now. The answer is awaited, and at this point in time it can either be a Yes or a No - with equal chances. Now, if someone reading this post thinks that this guy is all for what they call a "love marriage", I would not concur for I don't understand the concept itself. First, it is not a wise thing to commit yourself to someone just because you love the person and leave the understanding part for later. For me, this is exactly the opposite of how it should be. You have to first understand the other person, because commitment emanates from understanding and love emanates from commitment. Again, how much time one needs to understand the other will vary for every individual. For a typical Bollywood Hero, it can be one sight, but for me it is considerably longer than that.

Going by my thought process, I am at the second stage of commitment. I understand her, I respect her and I know that's the sort of person compatible to me. She is probably at the first stage of understanding, where one generally is with one's friends. Now, the journey to the third stage is possible if her answer is Yes. And if it is No, I respect it, accept it and move on. Anyway, I feel I am well equipped to tackle the flaw in the proven and established system!

36 and Counting!

Oh, that's the number of years Aai-Baba (my parents) have spent together and the bond has probably grown 36 times stronger! You must have guessed that this is a tribute to them on the occasion of the 36th anniversary of their wedding, and quite rightly so. Of course, it has been a long journey through all kinds of highs and lows, but they have stuck together and they have stuck to life. The vigour they live their lives with just continues to increase with each passing day.

Aai-Baba were probably made for each other, how else can one explain the marriage of two souls living in two very different places, separated by a good 400+ Kms and involving a journey in either direction which takes 8 hours and 3 change overs even today if you choose to take the state transport! And yet these two souls continue to complement each other so nicely. The difference of 7 years in their ages never comes in the way of their understanding of each other. When it comes to rituals, Baba is more conservative and Aai is more liberal, but they always manage to hit a golden middle never trying to sell the other their own view. When it comes to professional life, it is the other way, but the balance is maintained. It is astonishing that they have maintained this balance for so long, without intruding each other's intellectual space. It has to be attributed to their ability to adjust and to adapt - a forte of both.

And that's the only evident commonality one will find in them. And I don't it's this commonality that makes their relationship work. On the contrary, the differences in their personalities have perhaps had more influence on it - differences which are perfectly complimentary. Baba is naturally short tempered (typical of all men in the family), yet the temper seems to have been softened over the years by Aai's infinite capacity to absorb it. She has successfully handled the tempers of three generations (My Grandpa, Baba and me!) and still has the capacity for the next! But then she is super sensitive, her eyes well up every time she has to wave TATA to her grandson (and that's every alternate month!). And Baba has always had to make sure, these emotions do not take their toll on her - his firmness has come in very handy. And these same attribute maintain the charm, though when they are reversed!

Baba has his own ways of getting Aai angry. The best of them - he will disappear from home without notice when the lunch is ready, only to return after an hour or couple, and then calmly bear the brunt of Aai's anger. I don't know if he enjoys it, I certainly have - every time this situation has occurred. He probably likes to take advantage of the fact that Aai's anger is so superficial, absolutely harmless. And then he will give away to her demands very easily, something I have never been able to manage. I remember showing all kinds of tantrums to get silly things from him, and I can't help but laugh at those moments now. But the fact remains that he is not someone who will give in easily, not with Aai though. He won't show it, but he care that bit extra for her. There are many little things like these, which is why the charm refuses to fade away with the passing years.

All I have to say at the end is, if Jodhaa-Akbar's romance in an arranged marriage was a treat to watch on the big screen, that of my parents has not been any less an experience in real life! Cheers to Aai-Baba!!